So Tired.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

I am drained in a way I cannot explain. I cannot think straight. My patience is gone. My productivity is down. I feel nothing more than beat down and burned out. I cannot listen to all the words coming at me from T every day. I crave being alone. Normal things are hard.

I am almost afraid to look forward to the move being completed tomorrow because I want it so badly. It needs to happen. I moved her 2 weeks ago and this final step being dragged out is unacceptable. I need my house back. I need my sanity back. I no longer want to hear that voice in my basement - it is nails on a chalkboard for me. I don’t want to argue with S about who is doing bedtime because it means whoever goes downstairs might get quizzed or trapped 2 different times. I don’t want to hear that damn TV anymore. I hate it. I cannot politely engage in the conversation about why her cable isn’t hooked up a the apartment one more time. I have no room in my heart to wonder if she is experiencing memory impairment or just intentionally saying things to get under my skin. I am done being poked at. I am done being manipulated by this child of a human. I need silence in a significant way. I don’t want to smell old coffee the moment I walk into my home. I don’t want to come home and see her car in my driveway and wonder if I am ready to go inside. I don’t want to be trapped in an insane conversation at any moment. I don’t want to engage with that playing dumb/confused face that she does. I don’t want to be lectured about something she thinks I should be doing in my own home. I don’t want - I REALLY DON”T WANT my child to be tattled on by her. I don’t want to hear the words “I told S…” one more time in my life because I KNOW, and I’ll GET TO IT. I don’t want to feel held hostage by urgent unnecessary tasks. I don’t want to smell the deer urine she put down by the plants and I don’t want to be guillt tripped about weeds I am not pulling or caring for the garden I didn’t ask for and didn’t plant. I don’t want to witness the complete change in personality when she sees S. My home has not been a calm place and I need it back. It is vital to my mental health.

But do you know what else?

I don’t want to live my life ignoring a guest in my home. Not purposefully starting a conversation with her is survival for me. But at the same time going days on end without talking to the human living in my basement is not better. Each time I prepare a meal I feel she should join us. She should at least sit with us. But every single time I have invited her up she has said no. She has lived here for over 4 months and not shared a meal with us. I am done feeling that I cannot speak freely in my home. Anywhere in my home. Or my deck. Or my yard. I want to sit on my deck and not smell cigarette smoke. I want to sleep through the night without being woken by the smell of fresh brewed coffee.

I am tired. I am so tired.

I have spent no fewer than 20 hours in the last week numbing by endlessly searching VRBO to find somewhere to go. The ocean. The mountains. Minnetonka. Maybe a hotel. Downtown Mpls. Even the Mall of America. But each time I realize that no WAY am I getting on a plane and also I do not want to spend the money and S cannot get away and I cannot go with just T so… here I am.

My husband has not had the same experience because he has been working non stop since his Mom arrived here. I’m sure he would tell you he needs his wife back. The one who doesn’t swear and cry all the time.

My child has witnessed my experience. She has felt the brunt of my impatience and stress. I feel that I have done her a disservice by having her Grandma here. T’s behavior is different. She is short tempered as well. She is not as healthy as she should be either. But guess what? Even when our roommate leaves we are still in the middle of a pandemic and positive case rates are still increasing, work is still in an unprecedented time of high volume, hybrid learning and the complete disruption to our schedule AGAIN starts on Monday…. and I am solo parenting only. I love my life. I am tremendously blessed in so many ways but I am telling you I am tired.

Tomorrow the couch is scheduled for delivery between 2 and 4.

I am planning to work until noon. Then T and I will disconnect the DVR box and reconnect it, as well as the internet and phone service at the apartment. We will be there to supervise the couch move in. We will then empty the fridge that is full no matter how many times she tells me it is empty. We will move everything. And then I will come home and sit.

I am so tired.