The “I Don’t Need Anything” Lie

Remember last Sunday when we were at the fire house going through the keep or throw exercise and she just kept saying “I want I want I want I want I want..”? Guess what? She doesn’t want any of it in the apartment with her.

She wants a new TV for the wall and a new couch to sleep on. The other room can sit empty.

WHAT?

How about moving your bench so you can sit there to put on your shoes? “No.”

Nothing in this whole room? (gesturing at the living room/dining room living space) “No.”

How about the kitchen? “Just what I have at your house.”

HOLD ON. On Sunday we went through your kitchen cabinets and you were insistent that we keep aaalllll the casserole dishes even though you have never one time in your life made a casserole but when you have a full working kitchen instead of a utility sink you have decided to continue using only paper plates? Stop it.

I don’t believe you. I have been down this road with you so. many. times. That dig in your heels refuse to be reasonable not considering anything beyond the current situation and then later reacting by either a) sending me on urgent yet unnecessary errands later or b) playing the victim because we didn’t make sure you had what you needed. I am not being sucked into that cyclone of failure and doom again. I hate it there. and when I am there and I witness my child being massively rude to you I cannot even stop her because I get it and you had it coming and you actually started it.

She was thinking she would need a lamp at the apartment and then said she would have to buy one. She listed every lamp she currently owns, described exactly how it looks, where she bought it, what she paid for it and then said “I don’t want that in the apartment with me - I don’t think we should keep moving it.” Well it is being moved anyway. So do you want it stashed in a storage container or with you? Please don’t make me go into your house with you again so you can list the value of everything. I hate that.

She is definitely going to need new towels. NONONONONO. There are no fewer than 5 BRAND NEW sets of towels in her townhome that are not used and without any visible soot damage that she was not interested in parting with. So lets wash them and bring them to her apartment. I am super trained in on the 4 hour deep clean vinegar and baking soda laundry that gets rid of more smoke smell that she can smell… but its like she has completely separated the apartment from her life. Like an alternate universe.

And we know.. WE KNOW… that if we put her in there with nothing she will fill it up. AND we know that if we leave her in an empty apartment she will spiral into depression. AND we know that she needs her things around her. HER THINGS are very important to her.

So all of that. And then add just the amount of time I have spent with her this week… it’s exhausting. It is hard (for me anyway) to listen to non stop judgement and complaining mixed in with bragging about how expensive everything she owns is. It is hard not to argue with everything she says. It is hard not to remind her in every conversation that she didn’t insure any of that massively valuable stash of items. It is hard to sit in silence with her as well but I can’t agree or disagree with anything. The critique of others is especially hard because I know in a conversation with a different person (even S) that critique is focused on me. She actually pointed out a rambler for sale for the 6th time this week that she knows is nearly $400K and not updated and once again said she didn’t think she had it in her to do another remodel.

You know what else she doesn’t have? $400K. Or any equity in her burned up house. Or enough money to remodel anything. So energy isn’t the issue here, money is. And she absolutely does not comprehend that even a little bit. And just that alone is the main pain point and the reason we can’t “just let her take care of it”. Because when she is broke it is my checkbook supporting her every single day. And I will fight that.

We finally got home and I felt nothing other than empty. Just empty. I threw up. I cried a bit. I poured a stiff drink and then I called my Dad and talked to him for 45 minutes about it all so I could purge the insanity from me because he is the best person in my life for that. He and I are wired the same so we can have the fake fights with people all we want but when we get back to reality we are speechless because this bullshit is unfathomable. It’s so hard because it would be so easy to say “go ahead. buy the lamp. buy the towels.. who cares?” But there is just one bucket of money. Total. She doesn’t have more money coming in. So if she nickel and dimes her new apartment decor to her liking it means she is pulling money away from putting her condo back together. Money that she needs for things like paint and carpet and flooring and bathroom shower enclosures. Money that we cannot spend because we do not yet have a scope of work so we cannot yet get an estimate on the interiors and for the love of God no - NO - you should not call an attorney because no one has broken a law. You cannot start a fight based on a decision that hasn’t happened yet because you are pretty sure you won’t like the outcome. You aren’t Trump. And for the last time. You aren’t the policy holder. You don’t actually have a policy and there isn’t an insurance agent working on your behalf because you chose not to get a homeowners policy. And that was stupid.

All of this spirited conversation happened with me standing in the middle of the road halfway up the hill so the shroud of the trees could hide my location. I cannot talk freely in my own home because she is there. So I bolt out of the house and walk 20 paces up the hill and I stay there for as long as it takes talking and crying and swearing and gesturing like an Italian. After the summer I’ve had all my new neighbors must think I’m insane and they are all at least 50% correct in that.

At least.